Videogames for Infants - 10/25/2008

I've noticed a disturbing trend in videogames in the last ten years.  It all began with the Legend of Zelda, the Ocarina of Time.  With the transition of a complicated, sprawling game world making it's way into 3d, game makers decided that players wouldn't be able to understand the basic game mechanics without a tutorial.  So the introduction of the game was spent familiarizing yourself with how the game works.  This proved useful for the first several minutes, but it quickly became apparent that the programmers thought we were infants ...because by around the thirty minute mark of reading dribble such as "Press A to talk to villagers" or "Hold B to charge your weapon" ...you really started to feel like every ounce of integrity you had as a videogame player was being deliberately, and maliciously, stolen away from you.

It's bad enough that every RPG, Adventure, Puzzle, and yes...even FPS (first person shooter) demands that they hold your hand for the first half hour of gameplay or more.  But what's worse is when a game sequel that PLAYS EXACTLY LIKE IT'S PREDECESSOR IN EVERY WAY SHAPE AND FORM insists upon forcing you through a tutorial as though you have no idea that potions heal your hit points and equipping stronger armor ups your defense.  I can't tell you the number of times a MARIO game, of all things, instructed me to "jump into blocks with question marks . .as if that basic concept somehow alluded me since I first played a Mario game in 1986.  And many games have the temerity to design many of their 3d games with golden arrows or illuminated paths to SHOW YOU WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO!  This completely negates the feeling of freedom within a third dimension, you may as well have the game be a straight up 2d linear arcade frak-fest.

I remember the feeling of discovery I felt when I first played Metroid.  There was nobody holding my hand.  I was free to explore a strange alien world BY MYSELF and get lost at my own discretion.   This afforded me a great deal of fun, because no matter how many times I'd hit a dead-end and have to back track, or die hideously at the hands of some incredibly tough monster....they would be MY mistakes, and I'd learn THROUGH EXPERIENCE!!  These tutorials rob you of the joys of finding things out at your own pace, through your own methods and your own level of comprehension.....and it basically makes everyone's learning curve the exact same.  Videogamers are the only consumers I know who are condescended to in such an egregious manner.  We pay upwards of 50 bucks for a piece of software, only to not actually get to ENJOY the game for the first few hours because of a damn instruction manual embedded within the beginning of the game.  If any other distributor tried that with their product, that'd be out of business.  Buy this movie, only first watch a mandatory tutorial on how to PROPERLY watch the film beforehand.  Want this shiny new ipod?  Before you use it, you're gonna have to listen to a prepackaged MP3 on HOW to listen to your mp3's.  Wanna enjoy the latest Final Fantasy?  Seventy bucks, oh...and we will need you to sit through a 2 hour training session at the games onset.  Yes, you can fast forward through it by button mashing....but that'll still eat up about an hour of your time, and besides....don't you want to learn how to equip new accessories and defeat your enemies?  I bet you don't even know how to raise a party member from the death.  Phoenix Down?  Nope.  We call the Fenix Down's in this game.  See.  You would've been lost had it not been for our guidance.  LOST I SAY!!!

Videogame programmers, game-writers, and everyone involved in the creation of a game.:  Game players aren't dumb, we haven't gotten stupider since the early 80's, in fact most of us are nearing our thirties now.  Don't talk down to us.  Even if you're marketing your game to children, show them enough respect to allow them to figure it out on their own.  If I could beat the original Zelda when I was 9 without anyone telling me where to go or what to do next, I think that's a testament to the fact that anyone can do anything if they have the time and the desire. 

We are all retarded babies in the eyes of game developers and it's time we reclaimed our sense of dignity while playing these games.