The Voices Inside My Head - 1/15/2009
Sometimes I think I have multiple personalities. But not really, I mean...I'm not batshit crazy. In fact, I doubt there aren't many other people in this world who don't feel the same way. It's just that I'm often of two minds on a subject. Or three. Or four. Hell, sometimes it feels like there's a dozen personalities swimming around in my subconscious influencing my actions.
There's the alcoholic...who demands beer and constant social interaction, preferably with cute girls. That guy loves to dance, and when he's talking. . it's almost always with his foot in his mouth. Then there's the pervert, who thinks about sex CONSTANTLY. That guy is at least somewhat identifiable, but he's occasionally disgusting as I have no idea why the idea of golden showers are even slightly attractive to him. Then there's the philosopher, the personality I most relate to. He's intelligent, imaginative, and a tad cynical, but his discussions are absolutely intriguing and he delves deeper into the mysteries of life than anyone I talk to outside of my head, save my father. He also love to expand upon the ideas of MoPH, and he had the best day of his life inside of Stonehenge. There's also a romantic side of me who loves being with the people he loves and is deeply affected by beauty, be it in nature or a single ineffable moment that somehow touches my soul.
Then there's the comedian, who's a caustic, sarcastic asshole. But he never takes anything too seriously, and he can be incredibly silly and fun. I love this guy a lot, but he only emerges when I'm vocal and comfortable, which is seldom unless I'm drinking (and then drunk guy can take over without my permission!).
There's another guy who seems to dictate most of my life lately, and I resent him for his inactivity. He's Mr. Sandman, and he has absolutely no energy whatsoever...regardless of whether he's gotten 12 hours of sleep, taken a b-12 vitamin, or exercised regularly. He yawns inexplicably throughout the day when he's not napping, and he's a lethargic zombie....devoid of wit, intellect, and spirit.
There's the movie geek, who gets off on watching and reviewing films, knowing details about the production and the actors, and who can recall random trivia about the film that few people outside of certain circles even gives a shit about. The video game nerd is another predominant personality, as I play games daily regardless of whether it's on a system, on the computer, or on a hand-held. He loves the safety and solace of playing games, of engrossing himself in interactive stories and being in his own personal world. He doesn't enjoy multiplayer, and in fact disdains Xbox Live and MMoRPG's, because cooperation with "other human beings" isn't something that reclusive little kid wants out of his playtime. His favorite games are adventures and RPGs that have involving novel/film-like narratives...and he can lose himself in games for weeks at a time. Indeed, videogame nerd probably takes up most of my spare time. . outside of Mr. Sandman who is only now gaining dominance over the other personalities.
Mr. Peon is the other guy who, unfortunately, takes up most of my time....as he's in charge of dealing with people, performing mundane routines over and over and over again, and generally being subservient and conciliatory. He's a diffident, bored, and often times angry little SOB, and I have no fondness for him. Then there's the Rebel, who absolutely DESPISES authority of any kind. He cannot wrap his brain around the social dynamic of allowing someone else to rule over him, so he resents anyone who seems to operate under that particular delusion. He would very much like to beat the shit out of teachers, parents, managers, cops, judges, and government officials when any of them attempt to exercise their power over him. If he had his way, chaos would be the order of the day. I like the guy, but I gotta keep his ass in check, or things will go south very quickly.
A personality I greatly enjoy though rarely see is Mr. Self Improvement, who exercises frequently, studies, reads books, watches Discovery, and constantly scours Reddit and other webpages for new information. There are certain aspects of him I indulge in everyday, (the ones that require the least amount of energy. . such as reading and Reddit). . but all in all, I don't see this guy getting the voice he deserves. Then there's possibly my FAVORITE personality; the artist, writer, and musician who's directly in touch with a wealth of creativity. I almost NEVER see this guy anymore, and it infuriates me. .. .as I not only relate to him far more than these other jokers, I truly admire both his passion and his potential.
At times it feels like all of these aspects of my being are at war with one another. Fighting over who gets to decide what I should be doing with my time. Invariably, Mr. Sandman will win out. . .even if other personalities must coexist, such as Mr. Peon, or Mr. Self Improvement. But Mr. Sandman, working with Mr. Self Improvement....doesn't lead anywhere good, as I'm often too tired to LEARN anything, and thus little is gained out of their surfacing at the same time. It would be great if I could get the Comedian and the Artist to work with eachother in perfect union...so that I could write some really hilarious shit. Or Mr. Self Improvement and the Philosopher....as I would no doubt actually get something important accomplished.
But what I would love, more than anything, is for all of these "voices" to just GET ALONG, to work it out. . to be of one mind on a subject. Maybe the reason we suffer isn't due to desire as the Buddhists believe, but because there are so many of us inside our heads, each wanting different things simultaneously. Thus, we are divided amongst ourselves. .and the only way to achieve peace is to cast out these voices and become ONE with our own being!
The ego is a multi-faceted desire-driven bitch, whose constant needs demand our attention and keep us from experiencing ourselves as we really are, and subsequently life as IT really is. I don't know how we get rid of these voices, if I did. . .I WOULD. I think a lot of it has to do with quieting our inner monologue and experiencing the moment as objectively as we can. We need to stop analysing, fantasizing, projecting, and reacting to stimuli, and instead observe and interact as deliberately as we can. But that sounds like a lot of work, so I think I'm gonna go back to default mode and allow the voices to fight over scraps at the table like mad starving animals. It's not fun, but it beats the alternative; living life consciously.
