The Gift, Christmas Eve - 12/24/09

My life has been…difficult. My family and friends are wonderful, and I really couldn’t ask for better parents. However, my quality of life has been drastically reduced by a disability that affected me when I was ten years old, and has persevered until this day…getting worse as the years progress. It’s a neurological condition that affects the vocal chords, making them close when they should open. This, in turn, makes it extremely difficult to talk at times….straining my speech and basically making me feel as though I’m being strangled constantly. Stress aggravates this condition, being relaxed mitigates it, and there’s only one temporary remedy for it…which, unfortunately…is alcohol. I say this is unfortunate because not only can I not be drunk all the time, I shouldn’t be drunk ANY of the time, as ontop of everything….I’m an alcoholic. Thankfully my condition isn’t as severe as most of the people afflicted with it, but still…..this particular disability is far more common in elderly women of a certain age so how I winded up with it I’ll never know. Only around 20 thousand people suffer from this condition in America, so there have been few studies conducted on the problem, and little funding for trying to find a cure as it’s rarity means this disability won’t bring in much money if they ever DO find a means of healing those affected by it.

Right now there’s only a treatment for the symptoms, and not the cause of the problem. Botox injections (directly into the vocal chords) help to dispel the shaking/tremors….and while finding the right dosage is INCREDIBLY tricky, it’s a relatively effective quick fix for spastic dysphonnia. Of course, there’s a period of whispered/breathy talking after many botox injections that may last as long as a few months. And when you do “get your voice back”, you may only have it at full strength, without any signs of the dysphonnia, for a few weeks…..but essentially this means that you’re losing your voice for a month or more in order to get it back for only a few weeks. Some people, with severe symptoms, don’t mind this trade….as it gives them back something invaluable for at least a little while. Since I have a mild case of it, I don’t particularly enjoy the compromise, and would rather not get the botox injections if I could just drink a few beers every time I had to be social and talkative. Of course, I can’t be drinking or buzzed at work, soo…..I do get the botox injections every few months. Some have greatly helped, others have created more problems than they’ve solved, and still others have been almost negligible in terms of results.

At any rate, I am not here to whine about my situation….fate, it seems, has destined me to somehow find the strength to deal with this problem. And most days I’m fairly successful in doing so, and when I’m not…well, there’s always beer. But still, it’s almost always affecting my life on some level….and so I yearn, more than anything, to be healed. Enter my “destiny.” As many of you know, I have envisioned my own personal healing within Stonehenge, for some reason, since I was around 15 years old. I had daydreams and fantasies about this fulfilment every day since then, and they were as inexplicable as they were empowering. I didn’t just think about this healing, I felt it…through every fiber of my being. It was almost overwhelming, the feeling of energy and ecstasy that would seem to shoot it’s way through my nervous system every time I thought about entering into the center of Stonehenge and, somehow, using it’s power to heal me.

I went to Stonehenge for my first time back in 1999, but as I was on tour and they weren't allowed in the center at that time, I sat quietly on the bench looking inside with a longing I have never felt before, and haven't felt since. I left that journey with an incredible idea, probably the best idea I've ever had...and I realize now it was given to me by the Stones. They inspired me to create a mythology that I truly believe will transform my life very soon. But still, I wanted to be healed. I HAD to know what would happen if I went inside, even if my expectations were devastated and I remained just as miserable as I had been since I was 16. So, after years of putting it off (even though I still thought about it every day), I resigned to save up some money and just stay at a few hostels around Britain, and finally take a guided tour within the center of Stonehenge, which they were now offering at a fair price. So around three years ago, I finally did go into Stonehenge..and while nothing could live up to my ridiculous expectations.... it was easily the most significant event in my life. I received a very personal message….maybe from myself, from God, or perhaps from the spirit of the Stones themselves, and I talked about this briefly on an update of Mindless Blather shortly after going there. Mindless Blather was what Sound of Thought was before the domain change…and I still have that update saved somewhere on my computer, if any of you care to re/reread it…just ask.

In any event, I DO feel as though a healing took place within that stone circle….but not for my voice, and certainly not in the way I had imagined. There’s good and bad in this, and while Stonehenge gave me an extraordinary concept the first time I went there, the last time around it gave me something far more personal and rewarding, even if it didn’t last. And while the idea is still something that’s waiting for me to work and have fun with it, the other gift has seemingly left my life for the time being.

Which brings me to the point. I feel as though my life, with all the suffering, all the pain, all the loneliness and despair…..serves a wonderful, glorious purpose that I’m only vaguely aware of while I’m alive. You see, I believe that God/me…whatever, will give myself a Gift immediately after I die. And this gift will be the single most powerful, beautiful, and emotional experience of my existence. In fact, it’s why I’m here. I chose to live this life in this condition, with all my problems and all my hurt...so that I can experience a moment so pure, so transcendent, and so awe-inspiring that it will rock the very foundations of my being. My healing. The second when I'm aware that I am healed, fully...completely, whole. My family and friends, everyone who has ever touched my life somehow, everyone who ever MATTERED. Family members who have passed, friends who I've forgotten, and loves who I have lost. All will be waiting on either side of me as my spirit floats slowly into the Giant's Dance. They'll welcome my presence eagerly, smiling with quiet admiration and a knowing expectancy. And as I go by them, one after another, almost in ascending order of importance, I'll arrive in the exact center of the great stones, and a beam of light will descend from the heavens and encompass my spirit and the entire circle as I merge with ecstasy, rejoicing in the knowledge of both my healing, and of my reunion with the Infinite.

There we will all be blessed, bathed in God's healing light. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.