Piano Potentialities - 5/28/2009

It's strange, but whenever I sit down at my keyboard or piano to play it, I feel like I'm presented with a difficult decision.  A choice which will effect the rest of the performance, for good or ill.  The weight of my indecision is usually very strenuous, and oftentimes I resign to simply NOT play because of this burden.  You see, I'm referring to the unlimited possibilities that exist whenever I sit in front of the piano.  I can choose to play something old, something familiar, something I know in my bones without having to think about.  Or I can make something up as I go, playing whatever melody comes to mind (which I often do on Sound of Thought).  Then again, I can attempt to play a piece I'd have to read on sheet music, which is a very slow, methodical process for me.  I could also let go of my thought, and simply sit in front of the piano until inspiration strikes me and I play whatever is stirring within my soul.  This meditative form of music is soothing to me, and I never record it as I feel it's a very personal expression of a higher state of being...regardless of whether or not it's particularly melodic. 

At any rate, either way I choose to begin playing the piano...that choice feels like I've set myself on a certain inalterable path.  As though I've honed in on a definite train of thought which pushes me in one direction instead of another.  And whereas before I started playing I felt I had limitless potential for creation, once I start that first song it feels like I've locked myself on a specific journey that completely narrows my options.  What's worse is that I don't feel like I have the power to change the course of the music I play afterwards.

It's a lot like birth.  The soul chooses to incarnate in a specific body in a particular dimension at a certain moment in time.  And while the soul has an infinite amount of possibilities to pick from, whatever it's ultimate choice is will inevitably limit its experiences once it resides with/within a body. 

Now I know this analogy is a bit of a stretch, as I could simply choose to play whatever I want, that no rules have been imposed on me and that I'm making these restrictions up in my head.  Be that as it may, it simply FEELS as though I cannot alter the course of music once I start playing that first song, regardless of how much I struggle to change it.  Metaphor for life?  For fate vs. free will?  Who knows, I'm just telling you why I don't play music as much as I want to.  Because once I sit down and begin a song, the rest of the music seems to be set in stone, and so what is accomplished?  Even when I'm being spontaneous and making up new music, whatever comes after that seems to exist solely from what proceeded it. 

I cannot escape causation when I play music and I simply MUST if I want to create anything real or of meaning, like so many musicians have done before me.  This form of creative ennui has stymied the potential of too many artists throughout history, and I have to break through this energy of reductive expression if I wish to become a better pianist.