The Sound of Thought

Videogames for 'Tards - October 25, 2008

I've noticed a disturbing trend in videogames in the last ten years. It all began with the Legend of Zelda, the Ocarina of Time. With the transition of a complicated, sprawling game world making it's way into 3d, game makers decided that players wouldn't be able to understand the basic game mechanics without a tutorial. So the introduction of the game was spent familiarizing yourself with how the game works. This proved useful for the first several minutes, but it quickly became apparent that the programmers thought we were infants ...because by around the thirty minute mark of reading dribble such as "Press A to talk to villagers" or "Hold B to charge your weapon" ...you really started to feel like every ounce of integrity you had as a videogame player was being deliberately, and maliciously, stolen away from you.

It's bad enough that every RPG, Adventure, Puzzle, and yes...even FPS (first person shooter) demands that they hold your hand for the first half hour of gameplay or more. But what's worse is when a game sequel that PLAYS EXACTLY LIKE IT'S PREDECESSOR IN EVERY WAY SHAPE AND FORM insists upon forcing you through a tutorial as though you have no idea that potions heal your hit points and equipping stronger armor ups your defense. I can't tell you the number of times a MARIO game, of all things, instructed me to "jump into blocks with question marks . .as if that basic concept somehow alluded me since I first played a Mario game in 1986. And many games have the temerity to design many of their 3d games with golden arrows or illuminated paths to SHOW YOU WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO! This completely negates the feeling of freedom within a third dimension, you may as well have the game be a straight up 2d linear arcade frak-fest.

I remember the feeling of discovery I felt when I first played Metroid. There was nobody holding my hand. I was free to explore a strange alien world BY MYSELF and get lost at my own discretion. This afforded me a great deal of fun, because no matter how many times I'd hit a dead-end and have to back track, or die hideously at the hands of some incredibly tough monster....they would be MY mistakes, and I'd learn THROUGH EXPERIENCE!! These tutorials rob you of the joys of finding things out at your own pace, through your own methods and your own level of comprehension.....and it basically makes everyone's learning curve the exact same. Videogamers are the only consumers I know who are condescended to in such an egregious manner. We pay upwards of 50 bucks for a piece of software, only to not actually get to ENJOY the game for the first few hours because of a damn instruction manual embedded within the beginning of the game. If any other distributor tried that with their product, that'd be out of business. Buy this movie, only first watch a mandatory tutorial on how to PROPERLY watch the film beforehand. Want this shiny new ipod? Before you use it, you're gonna have to listen to a prepackaged MP3 on HOW to listen to your mp3's. Wanna enjoy the latest Final Fantasy? Seventy bucks, oh...and we will need you to sit through a 2 hour training session at the games onset. Yes, you can fast forward through it by button mashing....but that'll still eat up about an hour of your time, and besides....don't you want to learn how to equip new accessories and defeat your enemies? I bet you don't even know how to raise a party member from the death. Phoenix Down? Nope. We call the Fenix Down's in this game. See. You would've been lost had it not been for our guidance. LOST I SAY!!!

Videogame programmers, game-writers, and everyone involved in the creation of a game.: Game players aren't dumb, we haven't gotten stupider since the early 80's, in fact most of us are nearing our thirties now. Don't talk down to us. Even if your marketing your game to children, show them enough respect to allow them to figure it out on their own. If I could beat the original Zelda when I was 9 without anyone telling me where to go or what to do next, I think that's a testament to the fact that anyone can do anything if they have the time and the desire.

We are all retarded babies in the eyes of game developers and it's time we reclaimed our sense of dignity while playing these games.

A Poem About Pubes - October 20, 2008

There's no way you can be denying
that pubes don't make you start you crying
whenever you find them just lying
somewhere waiting, curled and dying

Why are there always pubes when I go to sit
on a toilet seat to take a shit
it's really quite sickening, i must admit
and it never fails to make me throw a fit

Why can't they just disappear from my sight
I shave them in the morning, but they come back at night
I groom and I trim and I pluck them outright
But that doesn't solve the problem, not really, not quite

Still, I can keep my genital area fairly behaved
the reason I've rhymed and ranted and raved
is because, unlike you, I never once saved
my pubes for annoyance after I've shaved

I know what you're doing, it's obvious you see
you're placing your pubes strategically
wherever I go to vomit or pee
your pubic hair will be staring right up at me

I hate you for this and oh, so much more
you've littered the restroom with pubes on the floor
you're a sick, twisted, demented pubic-planting whore
and you've made it a chore to get back to the door

Finances, and What Should I Buy Next? - October 16, 2008

I'm comfortable enough with my two best friends (the only people who I HOPE are reading this page) to admit I'm still around 9 grand in debt, give or take a few hundred dollars. And while the economy is collapsing and my father hasn't had a job for around 8 months (I seriously don't know how much longer we have before we can't afford food), I am constantly putting a thousand a month into my debt so I can abolish it as quickly as possible. It's taken me about a year to get it down to 9k, from around 17k (I know I know, I have NO IDEA how I dug myself into that much debt)...but I'll keep plugging away at it until it's gone so that I can finally quit my POS job and get another POS job that's at the very least DIFFERENT!!!

But God help me, the consumer in me....(and he's a pretty big junk of who I am) demands that I buy buy BUY, and who am I to deny him a little splurging here and there? Honestly, I've pretty much done away with buying videogames, I seldom go out drinking or treat myself to dinner, and all I eat is Subway, cereal, and protein bars. Which is almost completely true, and also subsequently very depressing. But since I feel that the world is truly becoming a very different, and unpredictable place...I MUST buy one of these things within the next month for my safety, my comfort, and my CONTINUED EXISTENCE ON THIS PLANET! Please help me decide which one I should buy first, leaving the others for later on when I can afford them....granted McCain's not president, in which case I won't be able to afford anything ever again.

A shotgun: As most of you know, I've deeply considered buying my first gun as of late because of how volatile I feel the global economy is and how dire the circumstances are for the middle-class and the poor in America. Should the shit hit the fan (well, should MORE shit hit the fan) I want to be able to protect my family, and also kill wild bears for food. I think that's a pretty reasonable desire, don't you?

Glasses or new contacts: I may go with both for the sake of vanity, but if I do indeed decide I'm going solely with glasses, I'll buy those expensive extra-slim kind, because my prescription is insane and I don't wanna look like I'm in a fish bowl again. (See me ages 8-12)

A new monitor: Now hear me out, very soon we might not even be able to afford electricity in this house to power a new computer monitor, but that's neither here nor there because they're making high-tech 24" non-glossy monitors for around 500 bucks, and they're almost as good as small flat-panel hdtv's. Certainly they can serve the same purpose, and I've had my ViewSonic for 4 years now, it's time for an upgrade!

your mother: Thankfully she's pretty cheap, so I think I can buy a night with that bitch after purchasing any of the things I mentioned above anyway.

So what should I buy first? I'm leaning towards the contacts/glasses...cause my eyes are blurry as fuck anymore, but then if I get the shotgun I could always defend my ass should the world go to Hell AND get the glasses if I visit an optometrist packing heat. Then again, the new monitor would make my pr0n much, much bigger... Choices!

Reddit - October 13, 2008

My apologies for not updating in twenty four years, but I just recently discovered a news aggregator named Reddit (as in reddit.com) and my god in heaven, is it addictive. Asides from pr0n, I spend more time searching through reddit than I do with any other internet activity. It's almost frightening how obsessed I've come with assimilating new information as it becomes available. I'm almost Borg-like in that respect. And to be honest, most of the news lately is political propaganda in one form or the other so I feel very HEATED about certain issues that I typically wouldn't give a shit about. Ooh, if Republicans are gonna call Obama 'Osama' than us Democrats will call Palin 'Stalin" (that's a reddit comment that I find ridiculous because Palin does not rhyme with Stalin, although I may agree with the analogy in terms of her self-serving, reptilian nature).

And then there's all that talk about the Federation of Light channeling information to a psychic about a mass UFO sighting purportedly taking place tomorrow, October 14th. And then there's a link to an article on New Scientist or Salon or some such that claims that "the more out of control an individual feels, the more likely it is that they'll cling to magical thinking". . .such as religion, spirituality, or new-age mysticism. And with the economy the way it is, that report speaks volumes about this alleged UFO sighting that's supposed to go down tomorrow. People are afraid about the upcoming elections (another four years of Bush politics in the form of McCain WOULD have me packing my bags and getting the hell out of dodge asap) and they're devastated financially with the mortgage crisis, unemployment, and the veritable disappearance of their 401k's. Is it any wonder that many of us are overwhelmed with feelings of insecurity? Of course we're gonna look elsewhere for answers, turning to our churches for comfort, and looking to the skies for hope. Our world is changing, and I'll be damned if it feels like things are changing for the better. And in the midst of this radical departure from normalcy, human beings will invariably project their uncertainty outwards ....which is obviously the source of all this fear-mongering, hate-filled racial attacks, and end-of-times scenarios that seem to be proliferating now more than ever. Unfortunately, I don't think any major event is going to collapse society or change the way we see the world because we're too apathetic and self-centered to allow something other than our own survival and comfort to take precedence in our lives.

I truly feel that if a nuclear bomb detonates over American soil, or god help us...the elections are postponed indefinitely due to martial law or our new president should be assassinated ....this country has become so numb to world-events that it wouldn't take very long before we filed it away in our compartmentalized brains, chose to forget, and simply went on with our lives. It kills me to think that we've allowed ourselves to become lifeless zombies, but I don't see the passion or fire in Americans that used to cause us to get out there and rebel against tyranny anymore. I mean, seriously...is anyone, other than Rudolph Julianny, still fuming about the attacks on 9/11? And if Americans woke up to the REALITY of who perpetrated those attacks, as most of the rest of the world has already done....would they even care? As long as we have our internet, our cable, and our creature comforts....we'll gladly conform to a fascist regime. And that's the scariest, most depressing thought I've ever entertained, probably because there's an element of truth in it.

Well I'm telling you now, should any of those events transpire I will leave this country immediately, and that includes my family and those I love should they decide they're staying. I won't stay on the Titanic as it sinks into the icy Atlantic ocean, I'm not the captain of this cursed ship and it's not my job to do so. I'm a resourceful, intelligent coward and I'm going to demand a seat on a lifeboat with my FISTS.

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