My Grams is Dying - 4/22/2009

I don't know where to go with this one.  I'm emotionally unavailable on a lot of issues, but this hits a lot closer to home than most issues I face, as I absolutely adore my grandmother.  I still don't know how I feel...I'm perpetually sad, and I'm actually a bit angry, cause only a week and a half ago I was going to see grams in her upscale nursing home and making her laugh with inane jokes that she could understand and appreciate.  And god dammit, I loved going to see her.  Granted, I'd only make it around three times a week to see her (which is a lot more than my sister, at least...EVEN WHEN she lived in town). . but yah, fuck, I don't know.  I'm pissed off. 

Seeing her today hurt me on a cellular level.  She was gaunt, breathless, incomprehensible, and notably frightened.  It makes me wonder, if I may speak spiritually for a second. . .WHY DOES THE SOUL CONTINUE TO STAY IN AN EMBODIMENT THAT IS NEAR DEATH AND IN A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN?!?!?!  I asked my father this, but I knew what his answer would be.  He thinks that grams passed a few days ago in the hospital, that her spirit left her body. . and that her body was merely clinging on for a few more days because it's strong.  Mom agreed with this, though since grams is HER mother she was a lot more shook up about going to see her than dad, and so her concession that her spirit has departed was probably a great deal harder for her to accept than it was for dad.

But I think that's shit.  That's an utter fucking crock of ass, a coping mechanism that they're using to make it easier on themselves.  Besides, if this were true and it happens all the time, why wouldn't the millions of souls who suffer daily choose to leave their embodiment BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE PAIN??  I know MINE would have left years ago.  I'm not a full-fledged cynic, as I won't claim that there isn't a Soul, or God, or fate, or purpose simply because my grams is on her death bed and I'm really angry about it.  However, I think that their belief that her spirit has left. . when her spirit is obviously stuck inside that body suffering for some unknown reason, is just absolutely false.  I felt her in there.  So my question is, WHY???  Why won't she leave??   Some may say that her spirit WANTS to experience these last few days of agony, but my question is WHOM WOULD THAT SERVE AND TO WHAT END????  Why would a spirit choose to go through pain of that magnitude when it could simply leave the body and kill the body in doing so?  I don't know, I have no answers here, I'm simply asking questions cause I'm frustrated, depressed, and I want a god damn explanation because I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD!!!