| Spiritual Subterfuge - January 30th, 2009 |
Yesterday, I was doing my thing at work when an old lady and what I could only assume was her middle-aged daughter entered my department. I was filled with a great deal of empathy for the daughter, because she had a very pleasant energy and she appeared to be burdened by down syndrome. I smiled at them, and proceeded to day-dream about being in MoPH, returning to that moment...or to that family at another location, and healing the daughter, which would no doubt elate the mother and bring peace and happiness to both in kind. What an utterly preposterous, selfish, and despicable day-dream. I chastised myself immediately after for my unimaginable gall and realized that this girl CHOSE to experience life with down syndrome. It was her spirit's desire to incarnate into a body with that particular "affliction", and I had no right to violate her free will just to manifest my idea of how she SHOULD look/act/feel. Besides, who's to say her mental retardation is an affliction in the first place? Perhaps she brings great joy to her mother with her childlike innocence and wonder. Maybe her mom is fulfilled by being there to support her child throughout her entire life. And maybe the daughter herself is experiencing a consciousness that is completely guilt-free, unencumbered by fear, hurt, or anger. What appeared to me like a form of suffering may, in fact, be an enlightened state of being for her. How incredibly naive and arrogant of me to want to heal someone who's probably a lot happier than I am! But, who's to say? I don't know if people with her particular case of down syndrome are miserable or if they're exuberant. I guess I'll ask Bob once I get to MoPH. But let's say, for the sake of argument, that mentally she's frustrated and resentful of her condition. Then, let us also say that she has enough awareness to realize that she's a burden on her family and thus hates herself because of it. Let's say that she despises the way she looks and feels, but lacks the capacity to convey that to the outside world. So, it's her spirit's desire to experience life in that fashion, but every other aspect of her being protests against it?! She cannot find peace or solace within, and she'll have to wait for death before her spirit can fully rejoice in the decision it's made to live life as she had? WHAT A LOAD OF ASS!! We're a three-fold being. So why does the Spirit get precedence over the mind and body?? It's ways are secret and it's machinations are hidden to us. We'll only fully know it's intentions once we've DIED!! So why is it that the Spirits choices often lead us to so much suffering and pain on earth? Does it really DESIRE to experience so many limitations in life, all so that it can enjoy total and complete freedom after loosing the shackles of this mortal coil? Why do we have to wait? Why can't the mind, body, and soul be in agreement with one another and create life CONSCIOUSLY in union? I of course know that they CAN, that's the whole point of enlightenment/ascension/mastery. . whatever. But my question is why does it always seem like, if we go to default mode. . .the unconscious takes over, and puts us on a path that might very well suck the living shit out of everything ever, only because the desires of our spirit are mysterious and unknown to us. I don't get it. Life shouldn't be this hard, and if I want to heal that woman when I come back from MoPH, I should bloody damn well be able to, REGARDLESS of what her soul's desire was. Yeah, that's selfish. But it's selfishness in the guise of selflessness, and that's a level of pretension that I feel comfortable operating from. |
| Sound Bites - January 20th, 2009 |
As we welcome President Obama as the leader of this decaying, dying Democracy in the desperate, unrealistic hope that he'll turn out to be the Second Coming of Christ and set everything right, (seriously, the man has a MASSIVE undertaking awaiting him and there's no way he can fix even a fraction of what needs fixing within his first Presidential term). . .I have dawned upon a realization that has taken me years to fully comprehend. Music, one of my most cherished things on EARTH, has a power that many of us realize on some level. That's why we dance. That's why we sing. It's why we groove with the music and feel it inside our being. But there's something about new music, about finding a song that you've never heard before and that blows you away, that's revitalizing. It's more than that. It can be transcendent. One of my greatest joys in life is the knowledge that there is music out there which I haven't heard but that I'll LOVE WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING! It already exists, and I may happen upon it one day. And when I do, I'll immediately recognize it for it's value and significance in my life. Tori Amos has a lot of music that I instantly acknowledge as being powerful and as being meant for me, regardless of whether millions of other people feel the same way. She speaks to my soul and resonates with my heart in a way that's totally unique, and I adore her for that. It's the reason she's my favorite musician. No other artist has so frequently gotten me in touch with myself, or reacquainted me with feelings of beauty, depth, and meaning. But Tori's music isn't the only kind that can stir me, far from it. I can often get off on pop songs that would have you shaking your head in disgust. But there is something in those songs for ME, and I love them because of it. It's a shame then that with pop songs, because they're so POPular, they get played repeatedly and wear out quickly. And subsequently they lose their resonance within me. Now let's take a look at that. How does a song get worn out? What is it that wears out? The music is always as it was. If you loved it for a few weeks, and then grew sick of it, what was the reason for your change in perception? Was it merely repetition that caused a meaningful song to become a mediocre one, or is there something more going on here? It's not that the song is any less than what it was before. It's that your opinion of it has changed because you no longer FEEL the way you felt about it after those first few weeks of hearing it. And the impetus for change in in the way you feel has to do with a secret that, once unveiled, could change how you listen to music forever. It is my belief that music caries a specific vibration; that it is, in truth, a form of matter vibrating at a certain state of being. These states can either be harmonious or disruptive with our own individual consciousness. If we find ourselves resonating with a song, that that obviously means that we're tuned in to it's particular vibration in a mutual exchange of energies. We are feeding off of it's vibration, and in turn it is accelerating our own dense form of matter as much as we allow it to. That is why I sometimes feel like I'm in an altered state of awareness when a truly beautiful piece of music is playing. And it can also account for why I have goosebumps and get somewhat lightheaded (in the good way, not dizzy...just, floaty). If we could utilize this energy productively, use it in such a way that we can harness it for creation....than we could see amazing, and immediate, results in our lives. However, we can only "feed" off of an energy for so long until we relinquish the supply. We take these vibrating particles into our own being, usually unconsciously (though, as I've stated...if we did so deliberately we could USE said energy for miraculous things)...and then we move on. As energy can neither be created or destroyed, these vibrations...if not harnessed, will leave us...as they are no longer tied to their source, the song or piece of music from which it derived. Unfortunately, the melody can become exhausted of these vibrations if listened to repeatedly. It can rejuvenate its energy over a period of time if it's allowed reprieve from being played constantly. That's why I hate songs that I find on the radio. No matter how much I like the song, it'll soon lose it's meaning as it's vibration has dissipated through insidious repetition. So do yourself a favor; if you love a song. . .don't play it out, listen to it when you feel like raising your vibration. And then, with the awareness of what is happening, USE the energy it's created within you for something significant, instead of merely allowing it to wash over you like a wave of excitement. All of this is real, I didn't make up any of this nonsense....in fact, God dictated it to me one day while I was listening to Handel and levitating because his divine music had so accelerated my consciousness. Take it from me, the energy of music is the catalyst for magic within the world as it exists today. Don't ignore this incredible opportunity just because I'm a bleeding heart liberal, and also certifiably insane. ?> |
| MoPS = My Own Personal SPACE - January 19th, 2009 |
It's Martin Luther King Day. . again, and that must mean one thing. I had to work today! Sho'nuff, that's exactly what I did, and after several years of stocking produce, I've come to one indisputable truth. People will only take the produce I JUST PUT UP, even if seconds before I put product.....from the same box.....in a different place that's further away from me, even if it's only a few inches away. Nope, people ONLY WANT THE VEGETABLES OR FRUIT THAT I JUST PUT DOWN A MOMENT AGO, and thus, IS CLOSEST TO ME!! I feel like my personal space gets raped every single day, and it's enough to make me FLIP OUT!! The onset of agoraphobia that seems to envelop my senses whenever I'm surrounded by these picky bastards is ridiculous. It's enough to give me a heart attack, and here's the thing....I don't have a hard job. A TRAINED MONKEY could do my job, probably more efficiently. So the amount of "stress" in my job is somewhat negligible. I'm certain that most of the shit that pisses me off has a lot to do with my inability at dealing with irrational customers. But the thing is, ALMOST ALL OF THEM ARE INSANE, so how the hell do I relate to their madness without going mad myself???? Here's a scenario. I'm putting bananas out. I just put some down without any customers around, but that doesn't last long cause the banana display is the busiest place in the store. People magically appear there as if from thin air. So a dozen people creep up on me, and just as I place a bunch of bananas down, YOINK. . a hand darts out two inches from my side and snags them right out from under me. This proceeds to happen for the next 10 minutes as I put out three or four banana boxes. I swear to Christ they would reach underneath my groin and take the bananas that way if they could. Here's a drawing I made to further illustrate my point  In closing, my personal space is exactly that: MY PERSONAL SPACE!! Be polite if you're going to invade it and say EXCUSE ME, or at the very least be mindful of my presence, and give me TEN SECONDS TO GET OUT OF YOUR WAY!!!!!!!! |
| The Voices Inside My Head - January 15th, 2009 |
Sometimes I think I have multiple personalities. But not really, I mean...I'm not batshit crazy. In fact, I doubt there aren't many other people in this world who don't feel the same way. It's just that I'm often of two minds on a subject. Or three. Or four. Hell, sometimes it feels like there's a dozen personalities swimming around in my subconscious influencing my actions. There's the alcoholic...who demands beer and constant social interaction, preferably with cute girls. That guy loves to dance, and when he's talking. . it's almost always with his foot in his mouth. Then there's the pervert, who thinks about sex CONSTANTLY. That guy is at least somewhat identifiable, but he's occasionally disgusting as I have no idea why the idea of golden showers are even slightly attractive to him. Then there's the philosopher, the personality I most relate to. He's intelligent, imaginative, and a tad cynical, but his discussions are absolutely intriguing and he delves deeper into the mysteries of life than anyone I talk to outside of my head, save my father. He also love to expand upon the ideas of MoPH, and he had the best day of his life inside of Stonehenge. There's also a romantic side of me who loves being with the people he loves and is deeply affected by beauty, be it in nature or a single ineffable moment that somehow touches my soul. Then there's the comedian, who's a caustic, sarcastic asshole. But he never takes anything too seriously, and he can be incredibly silly and fun. I love this guy a lot, but he only emerges when I'm vocal and comfortable, which is seldom unless I'm drinking (and then drunk guy can take over without my permission!). There's another guy who seems to dictate most of my life lately, and I resent him for his inactivity. He's Mr. Sandman, and he has absolutely no energy whatsoever...regardless of whether he's gotten 12 hours of sleep, taken a b-12 vitamin, or exercised regularly. He yawns inexplicably throughout the day when he's not napping, and he's a lethargic zombie....devoid of wit, intellect, and spirit. There's the movie geek, who gets off on watching and reviewing films, knowing details about the production and the actors, and who can recall random trivia about the film that few people outside of certain circles even gives a shit about. The video game nerd is another predominant personality, as I play games daily regardless of whether it's on a system, on the computer, or on a handheld. He loves the safety and solace of playing games, of engrossing himself in interactive stories and being in his own personal world. He doesn't enjoy multiplayer, and in fact disdains Xbox Live and MMoRPG's, because cooperation with "other human beings" isn't something that reclusive little kid wants out of his playtime. His favorite games are adventures and RPGs that have involving novel/film-like narratives...and he can lose himself in games for weeks at a time. Indeed, videogame nerd probably takes up most of my spare time. . outside of Mr. Sandman who is only now gaining dominance over the other personalities. Mr. Peon is the other guy who, unfortunately, takes up most of my time....as he's in charge of dealing with people, performing mundane routines over and over and over again, and generally being subservient and conciliatory. He's a diffident, bored, and oftentimes angry little SOB, and I have no fondness for him. Then there's the Rebel, who absolutely DESPISES authority of any kind. He cannot wrap his brain around the social dynamic of allowing someone else to rule over him, so he resents anyone who seems to operate under that particular delusion. He would very much like to beat the shit out of teachers, parents, managers, cops, judges, and government officials when any of them attempt to exercise their power over him. If he had his way, chaos would be the order of the day. I like the guy, but I gotta keep his ass in check, or things will go south very quickly. A personality I greatly enjoy though rarely see is Mr. Self Improvement, who exercises frequently, studies, reads books, watches Discovery, and constantly scours Reddit and other webpages for new information. There are certain aspects of him I indulge in everyday, (the ones that require the least amount of energy. . such as reading and Reddit). . but all in all, I don't see this guy getting the voice he deserves. Then there's possibly my FAVORITE personality; the artist, writer, and musician who's directly in touch with a wealth of creativity. I almost NEVER see this guy anymore, and it infuriates me. .. .as I not only relate to him far more than these other jokers, I truly admire both his passion and his potential. At times it feels like all of these aspects of my being are at war with one another. Fighting over who gets to decide what I should be doing with my time. Invariably, Mr. Sandman will win out. . .even if other personalities must coexist, such as Mr. Peon, or Mr. Self Improvement. But Mr. Sandman, working with Mr. Self Improvement....doesn't lead anywhere good, as I'm often too tired to LEARN anything, and thus little is gained out of their surfacing at the same time. It would be great if I could get the Comedian and the Artist to work with eachother in perfect union...so that I could write some really hilarious shit. Or Mr. Self Improvement and the Philosopher....as I would no doubt actually get something important accomplished. But what I would love, more than anything, is for all of these "voices" to just GET ALONG, to work it out. . to be of one mind on a subject. Maybe the reason we suffer isn't due to desire as the Buddhists believe, but because there are so many of us inside our heads, each wanting different things simultaneously. Thus, we are divided amongst ourselves. .and the only way to achieve peace is to cast out these voices and become ONE with our own being! The ego is a multi-faceted desire-driven bitch, whose constant needs demand our attention and keep us from experiencing ourselves as we really are, and subsequently life as IT really is. I don't know how we get rid of these voices, if I did. . .I WOULD. I think a lot of it has to do with quieting our inner monologue and experiencing the moment as objectively as we can. We need to stop analyzing, fantasizing, projecting, and reacting to stimuli, and instead observe and interact as deliberately as we can. But that sounds like a lot of work, so I think I'm gonna go back to default mode and allow the voices to fight over scraps at the table like mad starving animals. It's not fun, but it beats the alternative; living life consciously. |
| RIP EGM - January 7th, 2009 |
My
long-standing favorite video game magazine, Electronic Gaming Monthly,
has recently been purchased by . . another company. One who I've
never heard of and who is going to terminate the publication of EGM and
disband 1up.com, Gamevideos.com, and other sites that were owned and
run by Ziffdavis. This would have been devastating news for me on
a personal level about a decade ago but now....I don't really care.
While my restroom reading will be greatly compromised now that EGM is gone and both Entertainment Weekly and the Orlando Sentinel have taken a turn for the insipid, I'm actually kind of grateful that EGM has been put out to pasture, and here's why. They've compromised their integrity to the point of nausea. Whereas once they were positively brimming with content. . .a good 300 pages or more of actual videogame previews, reviews, walkthrough's, hints, and strategies. . .in recent years their pages have dwindled to a paltry 100 or less, with every other page being taken up entirely be a single advertisement. Sometimes two or three pages in a row. It was infuriating, and what's more. . the one thing I've stood by them all these years for . . .their insightful, objective reviews. . have been relegated to repetitive adjective-laden musings on the strengths and weaknesses of particular games. By repetitive I mean that if I have to read one more of their critics write how the play control in a certain game is streamlined, I might have an aneurysm. And as for the adjective heavy bullshit, well... one reviewer named Shane sounds like a pretentious pseudo-intellectual English Lit grad, and INSISTS upon using words you would never hear your average videogame player utter, let alone comprehend, when reviewing games. Shane drives me insane. In fact, his excessive fustian only compounds the problem I have with his reviews and many of the reviews on EGM for the last decade; they're too showy and brief, they dont talk about the actual gameplay, what the games about. . and how fun it is as a player. .and they almost always lack specific detail about the game itself. What's worse is a few months ago, they switched from a 10 point grading system to an A-F grading system, which REALLY had me livid for awhile because they took away at least several levels of grading. This meant it was harder to tell if a game was mediocre or actually worth playing, because what was once a 6.5 would now be a B-, and while I'd never play a game rated 6.5. . . I would certainly consider playing a B-. And that's shit. Furthermore, the several reviewers who critique a single game almost always agreed with one another somehow. This does not make for a very diverse range of opinions. . and it almost seemed like they're trying to SELL me something. Hmm.... Now, I realize that they have had to play catchup with the internet age in the last ten years and add an ungodly amount of advertising to even out all the lost revenue that free videogame webpages have taken. But I simply cannot accept the advertisement-to-content ratio that theyve passed off as an actual magazine for the last several years. I do love finding out new games that Ive never heard of, thanks to their previews. . and looking forward to playing the games that they rate highly. But now that their January edition will be their last , I feel kind of sad that I'll miss out on great games that I won't hear about through their magazine. It's not like I would click on a link for a game I've never heard of, only to read a shining review that sells me on the game. There was something wonderful about being able to discover new games that I might fall in love with, thanks to merely sitting down on the throne and reading about them in a handy magazine. Apparently those days are over, and they've lost potential customers because of it. I'll still play games, of course, but I'm likely to stick with the ones I know I'll love from now on, such as the Mario's, Zelda's, and Final Fantasy's. But it seems that the days of under-appreciated, unknown gems making their way into my collection are pretty much over. Such a pity. |
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