Rest in Peace, my Dearest
Grandma - April
26, 2009
This world is
sick. I hate our backwards, twisted mentality. . how
medicine is a business, and how we keep people alive who are suffering
simply because there is money to be made from insurance companies and
from the patients' families. My grandmother was in Hospice since
Wednesday. She passed away early this morning while I was at
work. I spent a lot of time with her in Hospice as she slowly
withered away. Her body was battered and thin, and when her eyes
were open they were glazed and frightened. I comforted her as
much as I could, petting her lovingly and stroking her hair. But
since Friday her eyes were sealed shut, and I hadn't felt her presence
inside at all. It's almost like I could feel that her spirit had
left.
Yes, I'll actually agree with my parents on that particular delusion. .
only I felt it happened a few days later than they did. At any
rate, there was no reason why her body should have persisted on until
today, except she was really strong in her life and she had a
pace-maker that kept pumping away, keeping her body alive when it
probably shouldn't have. Now, I don't see why we feel so
comfortable with euthanasia for animals that are in pain, yet a human
being that's suffering can't be shown the same fucking respect?
No, taking a humans life quickly and painlessly is out of the
question. Instead, they are hooked up to an oxygen machine and
deprived of food and water, KILLING THEM BY DEHYDRATION AND STARVATION
IN THE SLOWEST WAY POSSIBLE!! This is grossly inhumane and
absolutely disgusting, I can't believe this is common practice in a
"civilized" society. What the fuck is wrong with us?????
My grandmother was the best grams anyone could've ever asked for.
She was so sweet to me, she never EVER judged me. . no matter what. .
.and I've done some pretty fucked up things in my life. She was
beautiful, even in her old age, even with a slight beard, even with
dried lips and bruises that would cover entire portions of her arms
from where iv's punctured her skin in the hopes to find a vein.
Elsa was fun and good-natured, always seeing the best in me and my
sister. She and mom were inseparable throughout their life, as in
they literally never parted company for very long. Grams has
always lived with mom up until the nursing home these last two years,
and whenever Elsa got sick mom would follow suit. There was
something like an invisible philotic connection stretching between them
which kept their bodies in sync. But Elsa's personality was always the
cheerier of the two.
She never took anything too seriously, she was loving to everyone and
everyone in turn loved HER. People truly enjoyed her company, as
she had an easy-going care-free nature that was immediately
endearing. She was quick to laugh, and she always smiled whenever
she would see me or Kristi.
I'll always remember her dancing to her cherished Spanish music and
going with her to see her family in Orlando and Deltona, fellow Puerto
Ricans with wonderful spirits and great personalities. They've
all departed now, all her brothers and sisters, and all of her
ex-husbands. I know she's happier now, walking without hindrance,
rejoicing with her siblings and friends, and embraced in love and
light. She was my angel throughout my life, and now in death she
really will be.
My beautiful grams....I love you with all my heart and I always
have. I'll see you in MoPH one perfect day. Until then,
farewell.
My Grams is Dying - April 22,
2009
I don't know where to go with this one. I'm emotionally
unavailable on a lot of issues, but this hits a lot closer to home than
most issues I face, as I absolutely adore my grandmother and. . in
point of fact. . .I like her a lot more than some other family members
I won't mention here. Anyway, I still don't know how I feel...I'm
perpetually sad, and I'm actually a bit angry, cause only a week and a
half ago I was going to see grams in her upscale nursing home and
making her laugh with inane jokes that she could understand and
appreciate. And god dammit, I loved going to see her.
Granted, I'd only make it around three times a week to see her (which
is a lot more than my sister, at least...EVEN WHEN she lived in town).
. but yah, fuck, I don't know. I'm pissed off.
Seeing her today hurt me on a cellular level. She was gaunt,
breathless, incomprehensible, and notably frightened. It makes me
wonder, if I may speak spiritually for a second. . .WHY DOES THE SOUL
CONTINUE TO STAY IN AN EMBODIMENT THAT IS NEAR DEATH AND IN A GREAT
DEAL OF PAIN?!?!?! I asked my father this, but I knew what his
answer would be. He thinks that grams passed a few days ago in
the hospital, that her spirit left her body. . and that her body was
merely clinging on for a few more days because it's strong. Mom
agreed with this, though since grams is HER mother she was a lot more
shook up about going to see her than dad, and so her concession that
her spirit has departed was probably a great deal harder for her to
accept than it was for dad.
But I think that's shit. That's an utter fucking crock of ass, a
coping mechanism that they're using to make it easier on
themselves. Besides, if this were true and it happens all the
time, why wouldn't the millions of souls who suffer daily choose to
leave their embodiment BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE
PAIN?? I know MINE would have left years ago. I'm not a
full-fledged cynic, as I won't claim that there isn't a Soul, or God,
or fate, or purpose simply because my grams is on her death bed and I'm
really angry about it. However, I think that their belief that
her spirit has left. . when her spirit is obviously stuck inside that
body suffering for some unknown reason, is just absolutely false.
I felt her in there. So my question is, WHY??? Why won't
she leave?? Some may say that her spirit WANTS to
experience these last few days of agony, but my question is WHOM WOULD
THAT SERVE AND TO WHAT END???? Why would a spirit choose to go
through pain of that magnitude when it could simply leave the body and
kill the body in doing so? I don't know, I have no answers here,
I'm simply asking questions cause I'm frustrated, depressed, and I want
a god damn explanation because I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD!!!
Four-Twenty, Ahaha! -
April 20, 2009
Okay, so I haven't updated in a
month and a half. I have a
PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE EXCUSE though, so listen up. I have an OS
called Linux Ubuntu installed on this computer. Ever heard of
it? No? Than you're not a computer geek and I applaud you,
sir. For those of you that do know Ubuntu, however, you know
there was a recent upgrade that made Kompozer . . or an easy to use
Linux HTML editor. . .completely useless. It would crash the
program immediately upon opening it, leaving us Ubuntu users frustrated
and confused. Oh, sure. . .many Linux geeks undoubtedly have an
understanding of HTML or CSS so this wouldn't pose much of a problem
for them in the FIRST place, and then there are those other people with
even a modicum of motivation that discovered the bugs in Kompozer and
found other HTML editors that WORKED (like the one I'm using now). .
.but it took me a month and a half to do the latter because I have been
very busy in my stupid, sad, pathetic existence. Wanna
recap? LET'S WATCH!!
Beginning of March...my dog diogi disappeared. Here are the
posts that I never got around to updating.
Rest In Peace, My Friend - Early March
I've been putting
off this post for a few days now, in the desperate hope that he'll find
his way back to our front door. But after the bitter cold night
we had last night, I'm almost certain that if my dog Diogi didn't die
sometime last week, he almost definitely did last night. We let
him out last thursday to do his business, and he always comes back to
either the front door or the back porch. He never returned.
My father and I searched tirelessly throughout our neighborhood, and my
mother even made up little flyer's. But we never found him, and I
know in my heart he's gone. Still, everytime I pass the front
door I can't help but look out, just to see.
But that's
not just it, Diogi was a friend to all of us and I will truly miss
him. The worst thing about all of this is simply not knowing
where he is. If he had died at the vets, like the three other
dogs that I regarded as part of this family, I would've been upset but
I would've gotten over it. The way we lost Diogi, however, was a
bit jarring. I don't know where he is, he could possibly MAYBE
still be out there somewhere, cold and starving, shivering and alone.
:( And this semblance of hope that we're holding onto is both
pointless and infuriating. We know he's dead, but we don't have
the proof so we have no closure. I just wish I knew where his
BODY was so my mind could be at ease and I could give him a proper
burial. ARGH. You know, my father. . .who always
sickeningly puts a positive spin to the worst things that have ever
happened to us (my dui, his losing his job, etc)....was FINALLY honest
with me the other day when he said, simply: "Life sucks", after he came
to terms with Diogi's passing. Amen, dad. I'm not gonna
play a song for Diogi's funeral, "for the the grief is far too
near." Instead, I'll leave you with the most touching scene in
animated history, one that has me crying even when I HAVEN'T lost my
dog.
Umm, Yah....Strike That - Later
that March
Yeah,
you remember my previous display of homosexual emotion? It was
thankfully unnecessary, as a strange turn of events (some may call it
miraculous, but I just find it. . .odd). .has returned Diogi to
my mother's loving arms. Seems . . .well christ, I don't really
know what happened. Lemme see if I can recall.
We put up flyers around the neighborhood
for
Diogi, we only heard back
from one old lady who said she saw him near the tennis courts the
afternoon of the day we lost him. And that was it. So,
hearing this, I concluded that the poor old, blind dog probably lost
his way home. Anyway, about a week goes by and our mailman gets
in contact with us and says that he talked to another mailman who has a
route about 20 miles down the road, who said that he talked to a family
who recently found an old Shitzu on the side of the road next to
Walmart. And the dog almost got ran over 4 times crossing traffic
too. They had to pull over and retrieve this dog underneath a
parked car near the highway, and they took him back home and fell in
love with him cause they were dog lovers. . .and had 3 outside dogs
already. So I guess they told the mailman about this incident,
who then told OUR mailman, who in turn told us. . .and we got a hold of
these people. Sure enough, they came over with our Diogi the next
night. . .and my mom almost had a heart-attack she was crying so
much. It was a truly touching scene and to be honest, I was
overjoyed myself.
So now he's back in my mothers house, with a DOG TAG/COLLAR...and you
can bet your sweet ass my mom is never letting him out of her sight
again. What do you think, Doggie Miracle or mere coincidence?
Here's a short cover of the Miley Cyrus/John Travolta song "I Thought I
Lost You" from the Disney picture, Bolt.
